Soul Mates
by Bobby South
Summary: While following Stewie to his new job, Brian finds a new girlfriend - unlike anyone he ever had!
1. Act One

Quahog was in a crisis. Ever since Mayor Adam West decided to give all jobs pay-cuts (just so he could save enough for a vacation), people have been working hard but earning half of what they used to earn. Some jobs could just survive, whereas others were going on strike or had to be completely axed. For the Griffins, it was a mixture. Peter was coping under Angela, but Chris had to leave his job, because Carl wasn't earning enough to keep him and he ran out of sexy ideas to give him anyway. Meg was still unemployed and it was unlikely _she_ would get a job. Brian had not found the right job for him for years and he couldn't think of any good ideas for stories. Lois kept her jobs – cooking, cleaning and everything her boring life could have.

But everyday Stewie would come home on his tricycle from his day care center. He would act very cheerful and would go straight to his room. None of the humans noticed this, but Brian, one of the few who actually knew and understood him, noticed this. This had been going on for about four months.

One day, he went to Stewie's room and could not believe what he saw – he could see the most expensive bed, chairs, tables, candles and the grandest potty for toilet training. Lois's parents, Carter and Babs, were drinking champagne and watching TV in the grandest baby's bath tub.

"Hey, Brain, maybe we'll come over to your crappy house more often now, eh?" chuckled Carter.

Brian sighed and went to find Stewie. Then he found the baby dressed in an expensive dressing gown lying on a grand bed. "All right, what have you been up to?" Brian demanded to know. "And where did you get the money?"  
>"Hey, what makes you think that?" asked Stewie.<p>

"I know you don't like day care," replied Brian, "so tell me how you are getting these things!"

"Well, I _am_ paying for them," Stewie said, showing him a handful of dollars.

"Where do you get the money?" Brian demanded.

"Like I'm going to tell you," said Stewie. "That's like in stories if the main characters would make the healthy decisions, but would _that_ make it an interesting story? No! _This _is the interesting story! And I'll thank you to keep it interesting by leaving my room now!"

Brian sighed and left anyway. Then he had an idea.

* * *

><p>Next morning, Brain pretended to read a newspaper, while he was waiting for Stewie to walk out of the house. He followed him in his car as the baby was pedalling his way on his tricycle. Unfortunately, he got caught up in traffic. He didn't move in about ten minutes, so he began to drift off.<p>

Later, his window was being banged on. He woke up and saw Joe Swanson there. "Move on, Brian! You've turned a ten-minute traffic jam into an hour-and-a-half traffic jam! Now, move! And think yourself lucky I'm leaving your driving licence alone!"

Brian drove on. He went out into country and decided to take a breather just outside Quahog Farm. Then he saw Stewie cycling pass him and going behind a bin. Two minutes later, Stewie didn't come out. So Brian got out of his car and walked behind it to find a dog urinating on it. "Do you mind?" asked the dog.

"Sorry," said Brian, as he quickly turned around. He saw the dog vanished. Then he looked inside the bin. "Stewie? Stewie! Are you there?" But he couldn't even see any trash at all, let alone one piece of baby trash. Then he accidentally fell into the bin. The bin lids closed. And Brian felt like he was falling down the bottom of the Earth. Then two doors opened. Brian saw that the area he was in didn't look like underground, but a sort of hotel room. He crept through behind the rocks and two babies – one black with spiky hair and one white one wearing glasses – both nude walking in front of a big forest background in front of a bunch of cameras. They posed. "Come on!" cried the boss, who was looked like a six-year-old boy but had a forty-year-old voice. "Johnny Jr., you said you were cool, so act cool! And, Benny, what happened to those sunglasses I gave you? You look crap!"

Benny took his original glasses off and put his sunglasses on. "Now, we're talking!" smiled the boss.

Brian sighed and walked away. He turned on the other side of the rocks and saw Stewie naked on a bed. Brian saw Stewie posing nude for a bunch of cameras.

"Show your whole ass, Stewie!" ordered the boss, walking on the set. "Offer them your penis!" And Stewie did everything he was told to do.

"Right, it's partner time! Suzy, you're on!" cried the boss. Then Brian saw a nude female version of Stewie only with blonde hair joining Stewie on the pose.

"Okay, hold hands," commanded the boss. "Now hug each other! Now have sex!"

"I can't take any more of this," said Brian under his breath. "I know Stewie wants to take over the world, but even _this_ is too inappropriate for evil babies too. I'm going to report this to Joe."

When he turned around, he saw the boss in front of him. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm, uh... a... health inspector," Brian said.

"Nice try," the boss grinned evilly, as he grabbed Brian by the collar.

* * *

><p>The boss took the white dog and thrown him in some sort of cell. The door was locked. "So what inspector did you say you were?" asked a female voice.<p>

Brian turned around and saw a cat version of him. She was white and wore a red collar.

"Health Inspector," he said, trying to hold himself.

"Well, my Tax Inspector trick didn't work either," said the cat.

"Neither did my building service offers," sighed the big black bull, with a deep basso voice. "The name's Arnold. Named after Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm the bull who works near the farm and I came looking for the farmer's baby boy."

"Call me Jack," greeted the moody goat. "I have to get the son of my boss, John Gergton, the Head of Quahog Post Services."

"My name is Helen and I came here looking for my mental mistress's baby girl," greeted the cat. "Who are you and what's your story?"

Brian felt like he had just met the right type of friends he wanted to have all his life. He smiled. "My name is Brian Griffin and I'm looking for my mental master's baby. I'm the one in the family who knows and understands him very well."

"Yeah, only _I_ can understand Suzy," said Helen.

"While his dad is working, _I'm_ the only one for Johnny Jr.," Jack told Brian.

"Wherever I go on the farm, either to do jobs or take a breather or go to the toilet, Benny always has to follow me," moaned Arnold.

Then the door broke down and in came Joe, Peter and Lois. "Brian!" they cried.

"How did you find me?" asked Brian.

"Well, Peter and Lois said you've been gone nearly for a whole day and they couldn't find you," Joe told him. "Then they came to me and I tracked you down because you're chipped in your throat and now we've caught the bad guys, thanks to you."

"Wait a minute! Who chipped me in my throat?" asked Brian.

* * *

><p><em>It was Dr. Hartman.<em>

_"You're a vet as well as a doctor, too?" asked Peter, watching him chip Brian._

_"Oh, yeah, I love animals and I want to help them too," smiled the doctor._


	2. Act Two

The next day, the story was everywhere. The bad guys were in jail, the babies' cheques were being returned and Brian was given a medal for his brave deeds by Mayor West (even though it didn't meant he liked him any better).

That night the family were celebrating Brian's good deed. Then the doorbell rang. Brian walked to the door and opened it. He was surprised, but happy surprised. It was his animal friends and their baby friends with them.

"My family are so busy tonight so Suzy and I thought we could come over and thank you properly," smiled Helen, getting him a big martini bottle.

"Oh, thank you, Helen," said Brian, taking it. But it wasn't the drink that made him happy.

"Since Mr. and Mrs. Gregton is away for vacation and can't take Benny with them, we swipe this red wine out of his cabernet for you," said Jack, giving it to Brian.

"Oh, you shouldn't have," said Brian.

"Here, get these old-as-the-hills rum bottles down your throat," said Arnold. "It'll help you to get up in the morning and help you focus on what you do. The farmer won't miss them. He's too busy picking up sheep, chicken and pig crap."

"Hey, Lois, I think _I _need something like that in the morning," said Peter.

"No, Peter! You don't need anything!" Lois told him. "Remember when you took those fat-losing pills?"

_Peter had taken some weight-losing pills and he shrunk like a milk carton, as if all the milk had been slurped out._

Soon, everyone was eating.

"Lucky I made enough," smiled Lois.

"Well, I can tell you've worked very hard on this, Mrs. Griffin," Helen said. "This is excellent."

"Thank you, Helen," smiled Lois. She saw Brian smiling at the white cat. "Oh, do I sense something in you? Either the Force or a love for that cat."

"No, Lois!" snapped Brian. "Have you been smoking pot again? You know, I hate cats! I'm just being polite. Like the rich and famous people are to their colleagues and their fans but not to their families."

_One day, there was a rich and famous actor who was looked very well-meaning and was very polite to his colleagues whoever he worked with and his fans waiting for him outside a movie premiere. But when he got home and his family was waiting, he would say to his wife, "Where's my beer, bitch?", he would say to his son, "What's for my tea?" and when he would speak to his daughter, he would notice her in a new dress and say, "A new dress? Wasting more money on more dresses? You guys are a f****** disgrace!"_

* * *

><p>The next morning, Lois got up to wash the pots, tidy up the house and make breakfast for the entire family. When she got up, she saw the house spotless and breakfast already made on the table.<p>

"Oh, my god! This is wonderful!" cheered Lois. The rest of the family came down.

"Oh, boy, Lois!" exclaimed Peter. "How did you do it all in two minutes?"

"I don't know!" panted Lois happily. "Maybe it's a miracle."

But Brian knew who really did it. He soon drove all the way to an isolated farm in Quahog countryside. He knocked on the door of the house and the person he wanted to see answered it. "Brian!" greeted Helen. "What are you doing here?"

"I want to thank you for that kind deed you did for Lois," replied Brian.

"More than Jesus ever did!" chuckled Helen. She and Brian laughed. "Come in and meet _my_ family."

Brian followed her into the old and snug house. "You know Suzy."

Suzy was playing with dolls with knives and guns! "Oh, you didn't bring Stewie? I would've given him the best welcome I could give him!" She got out a shotgun and loaded it.

Brian and Helen moved on and she introduced the only son who went by the name of Ed who was ugly, wore a blue hat and glasses. He seemed to be the male spitting version of Meg. Christine was the oldest daughter in the family and the female version of Chris Griffin. The ginger Boris was like a male version of Lois Griffin and, finally but not least, Helen's owner and best friend, there was the female version of Peter Griffin... Bruce Firebird!  
>After an enjoyable visit, Brian went back to his house and found the Griffins looking fed up. "What's up with everyone?" he asked.<p>

"I'm doing more duties at work, because Angela has sacked people to save money," Peter moaned.

"The housework is never done," sighed Lois.

"My life of bullying will never end!" complained Meg.

"I'm in need for some boob!" shouted Chris.

"I feel like killing the entire human race!" shouted Stewie.

"All right, calm down, everyone!" shouted Brian. He shouted at the top of his lungs that everyone obeyed him. "Now, tomorrow if no one's too busy, I would like to take you somewhere that will cheer you up."

"Like when you took us to that boring Giant Redwood Forest?" Peter reminded him

_When the Griffins went to discover the Giant Redwood Forest on vacation, the only one who didn't like it was Peter. "This is boring! This is so boring!" he would complain. "With a big forest like this, why worry about global warming or climate change?" Then an ewok would appear out every now and again. "Oh, I hate you guys!" Peter would say and he would grab his Imperial blaster and shoot him. _

_"Peter, that's the hundredth ewok you shot!" Lois shouted, when the journey in the forest ended. _

"No, Peter, this will be better, I promise," said Brian.

* * *

><p>The next day, Brian took his family to the Firebird Farm. You know Brian and Helen were very happy to see each other and Stewie and Suzy were trying to fight each other for the ultimate power over the world. But the rest were really warming up to each other. They were just being polite and not talking much.<p>

But when Ed went to check the wheat fields, he was greeted by a bunch of wolves – the same wolves that storks the farm.

"Look, guys, how many times have I told you guys to piss off?" Ed snapped at them.

"When are you guys going to find it in your heart to help a poor family?" asked the leader of the pack. "And don't give me those charities for wolves crap! Now just a mouthful and we'll get off your land."

The wolves started to charge for the wheat, but then they stopped. "Eugh! Is _that_ your girlfriend?"

Ed turned around to see Meg. "Meg?"

"Two disgusting people together?"

"That's the grossest thing I've ever seen!"

"Let's go!" ordered the leader.

Meg sadly turned away, but Ed stopped in front of her. "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to make you look so bad – "

"Wherever I go, I look bad, even from my parents," he said. "Thank you for helping me." Then he kissed her.

At the stables, Christine was mucking out the horses.

"Come on! Where's our new fresh straw?" the horses would tease her.

"Nowhere if you don't control those sausages that come out of your asses!" Christine shouted.

Then, to make matters worse, a bunch of crows flew in. "Since you're cleaning out toilets, mind if we do our business here? Of course not," said one. Then they all did their business.

Christine was getting really pissed off. Then she saw the crows screaming and flying away. The horses were getting scared too and they run out of their pens and trotted into the fields. Christine turned around to see Chris dressed in rotten and stinking hay.

"I thought a scarecrow could come in handy or in straws," he said.

Christine hugged him. "Wow! You are scary yet funny and you're disgusting yet sexy."

Chris smiled and out of his head shot a jack-in-the-box version of Chris holding a "Jackpot" sign.

Back at the house, after a delicious dinner, Lois felt like helping Boris tidy up afterwards.

"Really, Lois, you don't have to help," said Boris politely. "I'm quite use to doing everything around here."  
>"So am I back at my house," said Lois. "Do you ever get the feeling that you run the whole house and the whole family, even though your wife makes the decisions and pays for everything, Boris?"<p>

"Yes, I do," replied Boris. "You can't image how thick Bruce is!"

_Boris can never forget all the times when Bruce asked him what the different between a can of tomato soup and a bottle of tomato sauce. She can never remember how to use the toilet, so she uses Helen's cat litter. Bruce always bumps and crashes into things, because she never remembers to clean her glasses, so every time a horse or a pig shoots something at her, she thinks a meteorite is coming to Earth._

"But I love Bruce with all my heart," said Boris.

"And I love Peter with all my heart," smiled Lois. They were looking at each other romantically.

* * *

><p>And so for the next weeks, everything was going well for both families. At James Woods High, Meg and Ed were seen together a lot. They seem really happy together and weren't letting anyone get them down.<p>

Although Meg's enemy Connie D'Amico was still picking on her, Ed had an idea. He made his rival, Jimmy Hemmend, the school's most popular boy, chase him and Jimmy bumped into Connie. They carried on dating for weeks and weeks. But what they didn't realise was that Ed and Meg was spying on them and video-recording them.

Then one night when they were having sex at a drive-in movie theatre, the police arrived to arrest them! Jimmy was arrested for raping Connie stated by Ed and Connie was arrested for having an abortion stated by Meg! And both of their parents were very angry by this that they weren't going to bail them!

When Connie was thrown in her cell at the female prison, she saw Meg outside. "How's your room in this palace, your Bee Highness?" she chuckled.

"I'll get you for this, Griffin!" snapped Connie. But Meg pulled her middle finger up at her and walked away.

At the male prison, on the outside, Ed waved and said to Jimmy in his cell, "Popular isn't everything. The law proves it."

"But when I get out and become famous, Firebird, I will be so powerful and have you killed legally!"  
>But Ed scoffed as he walked away.<p>

Chris enjoyed every little second with Christine. Every day after school, he would come to Firebird Farm and help her – playing with the disgusting straw, joining a mud bath with the pigs and having a thrill ride on... a 1903 steam roll tractor!

The rest of the families were getting along with each other, except the babies who just fought and fought with each other, but no one gave a damn, not even Brian and Helen. But they were so happy that...

"You're getting married?" exclaimed Lois and Boris.

"That's right!" yelled Helen, shaking her glass of red wine.

"That make you happy, Lois?" asked Brian, drunkenly spilling his glass of martini.

"Well, I don't want to ruin your happiness, but – "

"Well, it makes _me_ happy, even if you _don't _give a damn!" the dog snapped.

"Me too!" joined in Helen.

"Hey, don't talk to Lois like that, Helen!" yelled Boris.

"Hey, why should a creature with nine lives listen to an ape that wastes his only one life destroying this planet like the rest of the ape race?"

"Well, _I_ have only _one_ life and I want to spend the rest of it with the female creature I've been searching my whole life," said Brian.

"Dad, have you seen Mom or Peter?" asked Ed, coming through with Meg. "We haven't seen them all week!"

Then _Channel Five News _came on. "Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker," said Tom.

"And I'm Joyce Kidney," joined in Joyce.

"Tonight we are getting reports all over Quahog," Tom said. "There are reports of sheep, pigs and even beetles being let out of their farms, there are reports of banks being robbed and the homeless getting the money what they need and there are reports of building equipment being destroyed due to a message saying, 'You rich and pollution-making bastards aren't going to change the world like this!'"

"Peter!" sighed Brian.

"Bruce!" moaned Helen.

"Baby Face Nelson!" cried Suzy. Stewie came in dressed like Nelson and fired a Tommy gun! A toy Tommy gun!

But the babies have discovered that everyone has left the room.

"You try and be nice and show it and what do you get? Nothing!" complained Suzy.

"You took the words right out of my mouth," smiled a surprised Stewie.


	3. Act Three

At midnight, the Griffins and the Firebirds gathered around outside the farm.

"We need to spilt up and find Peter and Bruce before they get into trouble!" announced Boris. "Lois and I are going to look in the town. Brian and Helen, you know the roads, check them out. Chris and Christine, check the fields. All right, let's go!"

As soon as everyone was leaving...

"Wait, dad!" yelled Ed. "What about me and Meg?"  
>"Look after the babies!" ordered Boris. And with that, he and Lois vanished.<p>

It wasn't Meg and Ed looking after the babies, it was Stewie and Suzy looking after the youths – by tying them up in tape like mummies and hanging them like clocks. All they could do was watch the babies play with knives and drink cognac!

"Who says we need something or looking after?" chuckled Stewie as he and Suzy toasted each other.

* * *

><p>Brian and Helen were running like the wind on the path near the road. "If I know Bruce very well, she would be going to the power station next and turn the power off and let nature take its course," Helen told him. "If there were more ways of using solar energy, I know she <em>wouldn't<em> do this!"

"Well, I know Peter _would_ take advantage of this energy, because he doesn't seem to know bad pollution is doing nowadays and it thinks it gives him power just like kings!" Brian told her.

_He once read up about Henry VIII and his bad attitude. He would say things to his servants like, "Hey, where's my food? I'm hungry!" and to his wives, "Oh, my god! You are a moody miserable disgrace! I'm cutting your heads off and a new lady will take your place!"_

The white cat and dog ran to the power station, but they discovered they were too late.

"Great!" sighed Brian. "We'll never find them now!"

Then Helen was still looking. "Come on, Brian!" she ordered.

"You see something?" asked Brian. But she was hurrying so much that he knew the best thing to do would be just to follow her.

Helen climbed the nearby tree and jumped off the branch over the fence, while Brian dug under it. They ran to a set of bins and stood there.

"They're just bins, Helen," Brian said.

"Anyone who doesn't know Bruce well would say that, whereas if you know her – " Helen then mimicked laser fires. Bruce shot out of her bin and screamed, "Who goes there? Aliens? Pets and Diseases?"

"Bastards? Bitches?" asked Peter, shooting out of his bin.

"What are you guys doing?" Helen demanded to know.

"You said we humans are destroying the world by our electricity, by having too much children and by trapping and killing all the animals, so Peter and I want to put a stop to these things," replied Bruce. "Now the world will get better."  
>"Yes, but the people don't want to live like that!" snapped Brian. "Now because of your deeds, you have caused pandemonium and probably a war!"<p>

Then lights shone on them. They all turned to see Joe and the entire Quahog Police waiting for them. "Jackpot!"

"Who's Jack Pot?" asked Peter.

"You two are going to spend the rest of your lives in jail," said Joe. "You have the right to remain silent, but anything you say can and will be used against you!"

Joe was about to put the handcuffs on Bruce, when...

"Wait, Officer Swanson!" yelled Helen. "Take me! It was my fault."

"What?" Peter, Bruce and Brian exclaimed all at once.

"Bruce Firebird here is _my_ responsibility," said Helen. "I was a kitten of the cat of a previous owner of the Quahog Mental Hospital. Bruce was in her cell for nearly all her life and Boris Firebird, sick of his rich life, wanted to find someone he would be happy with. So he met her at the hospital and fell in love with her. When Boris paid everything to release her, the owner of my mother gave me with the family so I could check on Bruce. And all these years I thought I was doing so well, but I feel like I failed."

"Well, Helen, you must come with me and explain everything to the judge," said Joe, picking her up and she sat on his legs as he wheeled away.

"Wait, Joe!" yelled Brian. "Take me, too."  
>"No, Brian, I must do this by myself," Helen said sadly. "Take care of everyone."<p>

* * *

><p>Days later, Helen was taken to court.<p>

When it was over, the Judge said, "I find you, Helen Firebird, not guilty, but, in order to make life easier and happier for you and your family and for everyone, I am sending you all to a mental home in Wyoming where Bruce can be looked after. Boris can still work and the children can still go to school and college and work and everything, but you must stay with Bruce and keep her out of trouble. And all of you must stay away from the Griffins!" He banged his gravel.

"Oh, no!" sighed Helen.

"Oh, no!" moaned Brian.

"Oh, no!" cried Lois.

"Oh, no!" cried Boris.

"Oh, yeah!" cried Peter, crashing through the wall. Everyone looked annoyed at him. He sheepishly walked out and grabbed the Kool-Aid-Guy.

"I don't want this job! I quit!" he shouted.

"I was going to fire you anyway! You suck!" snapped the Kool-Aid-Guy.

* * *

><p>The next day the Firebirds were just about to set off and leave the farm for good. The Griffins came to say goodbye to them. Ed gave Meg a goodbye kiss, Chris gave Christine one last shag, but when Stewie kissed Suzy, he spat in disgust. "What is it with make up these days?" he asked.<p>

Lois gave Boris a goodbye hug and Peter and Bruce did their secret friendship dance – by bumping fat stomachs into each other's.

But the sensible ones out of each family, Brian and Helen hugged each and kissed each other. Then Brian received something in his mouth. He spat out a hairball!

"I'm sorry," Helen apologized.

But Brian smiled and put the hairball on his head. "I'll wear it always to remind me of you."  
>She smiled as she walked into the car and the Firebirds drove off.<p>

"So what are you going to do now you own the farm?" Stewie asked Brian.

"Maybe I'll – I'll – " Brian didn't know what to do. Just then he did. "I know what to do."

"What?"

"Watch Carter wreck the beautiful farm down and build his new Pewterschmidt Industries building!" Brian replied angrily. "What's he going to build _this_ time, I wonder?"

"Gas!" answered Carter. "Gas for cars! More cars for people! More business for me and other peasants who are jobless, too! And, most of all, more money for me!" he chuckled. He even swiped the hairball of Brian's head. "Eww! You eating rags now, Brian? Then I'll just throw it away!"

Brian ran after him, but, knowing it would do no good, sighed and gave up. "Cheer up, dog," said Stewie as gently as he could. "If you kept the farm, you would be suffering with the memories of Helen and you would be forever miserable."  
>"What are you talking about?" snapped Brian. "I would be keeping happy positive thoughts and I would not get up – " Then he realised that Stewie <em>was<em> right and he _was_ crying. "You're right, Stewie. I'm sorry. Here, let's get some ice cream together."

"All right!" cheered Stewie as he ran ahead.

Brian slowly walked behind him. "Don't forget me, Helen," he whispered. "_I'll_ never forget you."

* * *

><p>"Don't forget me, Brian," whispered Helen. "<em>I'll<em> never forget you." She and the rest of the Firebirds had arrived at the house in Wyoming. Boris got a job as a vet and Ed and Christine went to their nearby school called the Buster Keaton High School, although they were still the easily-picked-on victims for bullies and nothing has really hanged for them. Suzy like her new day care center no better than she did at Quahog and she can only hope that she beat Stewie to destroying the world.

As for Bruce, it was like she was in a hotel and Helen was like her maid cleaning up after her and cooking for her, because she couldn't be trusted. But whenever Helen had some time off, she would find another man and she would go on dates with him. Then something bad will happen and she would try again and again for the rest of her lives. In Quahog, Brian was doing just the same... but with women.


End file.
